The Late Mrs. Rodriguez

So today at around 3 o'clock my grandma passed away. She had cancer for a bit, but it went away. She was in the hospital for a few months and then my father, along with aunts and uncles, brought her home to take care of her. I was visiting with my parents today and they got a phone call, i knew it was the call. The one where someone is telling someone else that their mother is dead. Then my dad looked at my mom and said she was gone. He looked at me and said "my mother is dead", right at that moment my body went numb. I had seen this coming for months, i had expected this. Yet, i still was not prepared for it. My body felt cold, i thought to my self in that split second, will i be saying that to my children... "my mother is dead" those words are haunting me right now. i have not cried, yet, i dont know if its coming. I felt it creep up when my friend chad showed up at my door to say he was sorry for my loss, when he gave me a big hug.

My grandmother and i were not very close, we used to be when i was little. Then i felt less and less important, because we stopped showing up for Christmases and thanksgivings. I blame myself, i dont know why i would let things grow apart like that. I know its because i have not felt like i was part of their family, my family. Is it because i was half white? is it because they crowded everyone into a tiny house and i didnt like to be around that? why didnt i feel welcome? she was always happy to see me, right? i dont know. i know she loved me... but something was not right. so i avoided it. i was so afraid to visit her in the hospital, i hadnt seen her in such a long time, i was afraid i would burst into tears, to see my grandma bed ridden and helpless.

I am very thankful though, that my grandma knew God. She knew exactley where she was going when she died, and i know she had no doubt in her heart. I hope she can hear my thoughts, I love her and i will miss her, and i cant wait to see her again.

Goodbye Grandma,

Jared